The Regional Manager Free Download Guide

"Oh my god," Angela shrieked, batting away a flying sheet of paper. "It’s a digital plague!"

In the kitchen, Jim leaned against the counter, holding a mug. "He’s been trying to download it since 8:00 AM. I told him it sounded like a Trojan horse, but then he told me he had 'top-tier firewalls' because he uses a password with a capital letter."

Suddenly, every printer in the office began to whir. Reams of paper flew out, but they weren't sales reports. They were grainy, pixelated photos of Michael’s own face from the company website, with the word written across his forehead in Comic Sans. The Regional Manager Free Download

Jim walked in, calmly reached behind the desk, and pulled the power cord from the wall. The office fell silent, save for the sound of Michael’s heavy breathing and the rustle of a hundred "Failure" flyers settling on the carpet.

Michael stared at his screen as a countdown timer appeared. 'System Wipe in 10... 9...' "Jim! Do something!" Michael wailed. "Oh my god," Angela shrieked, batting away a

He paused, then brightened. "But the photo they used of me? Very flattering. Great lighting. I might actually use that for the Christmas card."

"No, no. The package . The digital package. The future of management." Michael turned to the documentary camera, a smug grin spreading across his face. "I found a website. Very exclusive. Very underground. It’s called 'The Regional Manager Free Download.' Apparently, it’s a software suite that automates all the boring parts of my job so I can focus on the 'people' stuff. The improv, the characters, the birthday planning. It’s like a second brain, but with my hair." I told him it sounded like a Trojan

Michael sat in the dark for a moment, then looked at the camera. "I think... I think I learned something today. You can't download leadership. You have to earn it. And you certainly shouldn't give your Social Security number to a website that has dancing hamsters in the sidebar."